Scott, Kilmarnock

Why Believe

My story begins in 1990 when I met the girl that was to become my second, but true love wife, Ann. I had very reluctantly left the police service due to demands of my first wife. Ann was in the process of surviving from the worst possible child abuse. Both of us were 30 years old and immediately prior to meeting each of us could have taken many different paths which would have resulted in never meeting. Instead we made decisions that were perhaps at the time illogical or possibly better choices for another time and yet our mutual choices lead us to each other.

We firmly believed that the choices we made were not coincidental, but almost as if we had been brought together by a force greater than ourselves and that although I was Church of Scotland and Ann Catholic at that time it was not for us to question the reasoning.

In the mid 1970's Ann had sought help from the police and her faith about her abuse, but in the 70's no organisation was capable of assisting those who had been abused. She was left to get on with her life in the knowledge that although her personal abuse had stopped at age 13, the perpetrator had only move his attention to Ann's sisters.

Throughout this period Ann never lost her faith in God or indeed allowed hatred to consume her for the perpetrator. She believed that maybe someday justice would be served in courts, but even if that didn't happen then her perpetrator would answer for his actions after death.

From my perspective Ann demonstrated true Christian values of love and forgiveness even under such extreme heinous crimes. She always maintained that it was not for her to judge, but Jesus and in many ways this allowed her to survive.

In 1992 Ann was expecting our son, Steven, and throughout her pregnancy she suffered from life threatening pre-eclampsia but would not admit herself as an in-patient. This condition can lead to an abruption without warning and usually results in the death of the mother and child.

I was fit and healthy with no signs of illness. Ann would not allow herself to be admitted while I was about. Remembering that I do not believe in coincidences, especially given multiple factors I was suddenly taken so ill that I was admitted to hospital for an emergency operation. Now completely out of the blue I was not at home to care for Ann. Literally in a matter of hours I had went from perfectly healthy to requiring emergency treatment.

Being taken out of our home like this meant that Ann had no one to look after her. As long as I had been home she would not under any circumstances go into hospital to be monitored for an abruption.

Within a day for my admission Ann became ill and because I wasn't at home she agreed to being admitted to the maternity unit. The next evening she abrupted and under went an emergency cesarean section which save her life and the life of our son. Without me being almost taken out of our home then she would never have admitted herself with fatal consequences.

Again we had to ask ourselves if there have been some kind of intervention that allowed Ann to admit herself, especially when I was fir and healthy and taken so ill within hours that I had to be admitted and that admission lead to saving Ann's life.

My police back ground allowed me only one mission and that was to do in the early 2000's what couldn't be achieved in the 1970's and a full and proper investigation took place resulting in the perpetrator being charged with multiple offences, including child rape. One of Ann's sisters was to play a vital part as a witness for the prosecution.

This was possibly the most traumatic time for Ann, but she kept her faith that justice would be serviced, but never allowed hate to cloud her or her belief that the person responsible would again be judged after death. She did however, change from Catholic to the Church of Scotland because of the lack of support she found from her original faith.

Now the accused appeared in Court and due process began. Unfortunately, Ann's sister had developed cancer and died before the justice system could begin its process and for the second time the person responsible walked free.

Although devastated Ann now believed that justice on Earth was not to be, but her faith never waned or did she hate. She remained true to Christian values and forgave in the knowledge that judgement would come later.

Ann was a bad epileptic but in October of 2015 Ann appeared to worsen. Doctors more or less did little for her and in November 17th 2015 Ann was eventually admitted to hospital where she rapidly deteriorated and was transferred to the neurological unit of the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital in Glasgow. Ann's professors and consultants had no idea what was wrong with her and all treatment proved useless. Her case was even referred to Cambridge University.

One night Ann said to me "When they come and get me I'll be better". My blood ran cold and I told her not to say that, but she repeated "When they come to get me I'll be better". I knew then that Ann wouldn't be coming home and that night told my son that his mum wouldn't come home this time.

I felt that Ann knew she would die, but was allowed to say she'd be okay. Why else would a patient say "When they come and get me I'll be better" and not "when the doctors know what's wrong I'll get better"?

Ann's last four words to me were "Love you special husband".

Around one o'clock on the 29th December 2015 my son and I whispered to Ann that it was time to go and that was okay. Her breathing was difficult but calmed almost immediately when the Rev Blair Robertson arrived in the room and minutes later Ann died.

My faith had been tested to the extreme. It appeared my prayers had went unanswered, but perhaps they were answered. Perhaps when I asked God to help Ann to get better He did just that. Just as Ann had told me. "When they come to get me I'll be better".

My sadness cannot be put into words, but my faith is stronger now than it has ever been. I have saw my most precious wife leave this Earth that had done her so much harm and go to a place where she is now "better".

In keeping with what Ann would have wanted the hospital was allowed to keep the diseased part of Ann and from that they know she had suffered from a rare cancer, Atypical Diffuse Lymphoma of the brain. This disease had evaded all the tests and because of this her medical team had to attend a special seminar on her in an effort to find out why her case was so unique.

Why have I told my story? Perhaps to show that even with praying with every atom of my body and it not being answered the way I would have wished, perhaps it was answered by God in his wisdom and taking Ann to be "better". To tell a story of someone so badly abused, but she still held her Christian faith and forgave. And for me to be closer to God and a better person for knowing Ann.